I am up hours earlier than I normally would be because I had this crazy dream that seemed so very real. I don't really like to post my feelings and emotions like this but this feels like one of those things I should be talking to a therapist about but frankly, I can't afford one so here we are.
I was having this very vivid, very wonderful dream that I was dating this guy. He was a combination of several people i know but looked just like one of my Facebook friends who is happily coupled. (Go figure) This dream seemed like it went on for a long time but at the end of it we were in our house and several of or friends were there but it felt like he and I were getting ready to share a special celebration. He told me that he wanted me to get in the shower and get ready and I could hear him bustling around trying to get everything ready. When i got out of the shower he had the place looking amazing and had a special song playing soft and low in the background. The whole place was lit by candles and our friends were standing around. He took me in his arms and hugged and kissed me and we started dancing. He pulled back a little bit, looked me in the eyes and said "you are the most amazing, wonderful, special person I have ever met and I will love you till the day that I die." I remember feeling uncontrollably happy for a few seconds and I was about to say something when it felt like someone had plunged a knife into my heart and as I am still looking in his eyes I realize this is just a dream. I woke up feeling such loss and disappointment and heartbreak. There are tears streaming down my cheeks and I am sobbing.
I guess I have just been hurt too many times and even though I say I am not interested in a relationship it wold seem that part of me wants one but an even bigger part of me wants to protect myself from more pain. Both of my longest relationships have ended with the guy just looking at me and telling me they want out. No discussion and no trying to work things out just I am bored or not happy with this anymore. That leaves you with a cold heart.
Anyway...I have been up for about an hour now and I have finally stopped crying so I guess writing this down has helped a bit. Now I need coffee...or a drink.
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